Toes and butt cheeks

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One day I was looking down at my feet clad in flip flops. What was the first thought going through my mind? The front intersects my toes like a thong intersects butt cheeks. And then I continued with this thought process:
– Four toes equal one butt cheek and a thumb toe equals the other butt cheek.
– The left butt cheek is a lot…wider…than the right butt cheek.
– The flip flop’s sole is the front of a panty.
*silence*
– What did I just waste three minutes of my life on?
– I need to go put this on WordPress.

When vegetarians lose their minds

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In no particular order, I present to you a series of conversations (that actually happened) that will make most, if not all, vegetarians consider murder:

  1. When people confuse vegan with vegetarian:
    “It sucks that you can’t eat eggs but on the bright side you don’t have to drink milk.”
    “No, no. I do drink milk. I just don’t eat meat and eggs.”
    “Oh! But you can still eat chicken and fish, right?”
    “No.”
    “But you drink?”
    “Yes.”
    “But vegetarians don’t drink milk, either, right?”
    “I’m vegetarian because I don’t eat anything that would have to die before being served on my plate. The cow doesn’t have to die to give me milk.”
    *awkward silence*
    “Oh. So who are the people who don’t drink milk or eat eggs or meat?”
    “Vegans.”
    “I thought vegan was another word for vegetarian. You know, like a nickname. I get it now! Vegans are not vegetarian.”
    “No, vegans are vegetarian but vegetarians are not vegan.” *evil smile*
    “Huh?”
    “Yeah, like how a square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not a square.”
  2. No, people, salads are not the only food vegetarians can eat. Please refer to this food pyramid and the countless others Mr. Google can hand out. ‘Nuff said.
  3. The staunch meat loyalist:
    “How can you survive without meat?!”
    “I’ve survived pretty well for the past XX years.”
    “But meat tastes so good! How do you resist? I don’t know how you can survive without bacon.”
    “Have you ever eaten fried spiders?”
    “What? No! That’s gross!”
    “People in Cambodia think it tastes so good! You won’t be able to resist it.”
    “You’ve eaten fried spiders but you won’t eat meat?! Vegetarians are weird.”
    *facepalm*
  4. The tip-toe-around-vegetarians friend:
    “I’m going to make chicken for tonight. Are you okay with that? I don’t want to break a vegetarian rule or something.”
    What?
    “Yeah, I have no problem with that.”
    “Okay, good! I thought you would be afraid of meat.”
    What?
    “As long as I’m not eating it, I have no problem.”
    “And don’t worry! I made a salad for you!”
    Please refer to #2 while I contemplate why this person is my friend
  5. The sympathetic carnivore:
    “It’s really admirable how you’ve been a vegetarian for XX years.”
    “Thanks, but it hasn’t been that hard. I’ve never had meat. I can’t miss what I’ve never had, right?”
    “Yeah…oh, I get it! Do you want to try some of my chicken salad? Don’t worry! I won’t tell anyone that you had a bite.”
    “No, I’m good. That’s not what I meant. I don’t want to eat any chicken. Thanks.”
    “Really, I won’t judge you if you want to try meat. I can understand the temptation.”
    “I”m serious. I don’t want to try meat. Ever. Promise.”
    “Well, if you change your mind, I’ll be there for you. You have my full support.”
    “Um…thanks.”
  6. The judgmental vegetarian:
    “I really like being a vegetarian. It keeps my body very healthy.”
    “Yeah but I do wish I could eat cupcakes and brownies. They smell delicious!”
    “How can you say that? You know we’re not supposed to eat eggs.”
    “Yeah, that’s why I said ‘I wish.’
    “If you were truly a vegetarian, you wouldn’t even have such thoughts.”
    “You’re right. I should go to confession.”
  7. The pretentious, newbie vegetarian:
    “How can these people eat meat? I mean, don’t they feel anything for the cow that is slaughtered just so they can have a burger?”
    “Everyone has their own preference. Chill.”
    “But they don’t even realize how many innocent lives are murdered just so they can sit in comfortable leather chairs. Thank god I opened my eyes to these atrocities in time!”
    “It’s sort of good that there are people who eat meat. Otherwise, we’d be overrun with animals!”
    “How can you laugh at that? It’s not completely their fault, I guess. We’re so much more knowledgeable about these things. I’m sure they’ll realize how fulfilling it is to be vegetarian eventually. I feel so bad for them.”
    “Uh-huh.”
  8.  The pseudo-vegetarian:
    “I’m serious about being a vegetarian but it was just a tiny bite of cake. The birthday girl would have felt bad if I hadn’t eaten a little. And I didn’t really eat the cake…I just tasted a little, teeny-tiny bite.”
    “You had Ben & Jerry’s during the last movie night.”
    “Yeah…but we were watching such a sad movie. I needed Cherry Garcia to help me get through it.”
    “Hmmm…what about that chicken salad you ordered at the restaurant?”
    “Chicken isn’t really meat and I ordered a salad! I’m vegetarian, okay?! I just cheat sometimes.”
    “I give up.”

Image

Smoking hot comic!

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Credit: Mort Walker

Credit: Mort Walker

Smoking is bad. Smoking is not cool. Smokers are not cool. They have ugly teeth and horrible breath. They also reek of cologne trying to cover up the yuck they think is so cool.

Interrogation at the dining table

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I get a lot of disappointing and frustrated looks from my parents. When I have no clue what I am doing with my life nor do I have any concrete idea where I want to be, it is quite frustrating to answer questions like “So, what are you doing right now?” It will be equally mortifying if I say “I don’t know.” So I lied.

“I’m learning photo editing in Photoshop and Illustrator.”
“Oh, so how’s that helping with your marketing goals?”
“Well, I was thinking about going into the graphic design field.”
“I thought you wanted to do advertising.”
“That didn’t work out and really it’s interesting to see how I can transform one image into something else. I really like doing this.”
“How are you going to turn this into a career. You need a really good portfolio and you just started this. You can’t just stay at home the whole time.” *frowning in disapproval*
“I’m not just staying at home being lazy! I’m doing stuff.”
“Why are you blogging? You should focus on one thing. Why are you blogging?”
“I thought about becoming a copywriter.”
“I thought you want to be a graphic designer?”
Crapcrapcrapcrap…darn it!

This is the gist of the conversation…between my brother and I. Not my parents. In my opinion, when the age difference between siblings is in the double digits, that is the only time a sibling can go parental on their younger sibling’s hiney. I realize (digression: this word is annoying) that he is trying to help but it is so frustrating to not have a set path when he’s completely settled in his and being successful. I envy that comfort, that stability.

Initially, I was gung ho on advertising. After months of interviews and “I’m sorry, the position has been filled,” I decided to change gears. I suddenly realized (…) I had loved my multimedia course in my freshmen year and perhaps I should refresh my Photoshop skills. I’m going to be a graphic designer! When it took me about a week to transform an image, my efforts were less than mediocre. Of course I knew Photoshop was not going to be a cakewalk, but a week?! And I’ll need a portfolio to apply for any graphic design position. That’ll take forever! However, I did not give up this time but I did start working on a second option. I would be a copywriter and thus this blog was born. I’m hoping it will help awaken my creativity that has died a horrible death due to stagnation.

I love writing. I have always loved writing. So why hadn’t I thought to incorporate this in a career? As they (who are these people?) say, better late than never. It is one of the best decisions of my very short life. This time, I won’t be discouraged if I don’t land a job in five months and I’ll still be living with my parents and still giving the same embarrassing answer to “So, what are you doing right now?” and I’ll still see my parent’s less than proud faces. I won’t give up. I can’t give up.

PS. The banner at the top of this blog was created by moi. How’d I do?

 

Quote

If this is true, I’m Thomas Edison

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“I don’t think necessity is the mother of invention. Invention…arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness. To save oneself trouble.”


– Agatha Christie